When your everyday life contain something but it became bad. You attual are happy that you left it alone. You dont deny the thing, but your own actions. Your actions are what made you cry yourself to sleep every night and wanting to hide from reailty. But since its gone, its even harder. You kno there isnt any more phone calls, but you wait for the ring. You kno it wont say hi to you down the hallway. You were scared before to let go cause you always thought it will hurt more. But the truth is, what really hurts are you own mistakes. Those mistakes are nothing you can replace but you feel a tab bit better that you let go.

I was wayy to thick headed and stubborn to give up on someone who didn't say they don't want me in there life. He did. Still does. Still waiting. No matter how badly I want to go back I dont. I kno if I will the same thing will happen or even worse.

Reailty bites. It really does. Its better off to follow it because its always right. After all the days he would pis me off and I would cry my fucking eyes out. Takeing pills or drinking bleach. Punching the walls, crying for hours, ending up going ina crazy house, having MANY people scream in your face about and you STILL say. Cause your lost in your own world. Your living in your own little unversite that doesnt exsit, but you belive it does. But once reailty hits, it hits really hard and it kills ya.

But I guess you cant blame all on reailty cause its your feelings to. Many people make you happy. Many people call you. But its always that one person that comes around that wips you off you feet. Its like your walking on air. And they like you first. You barly even kno the person. But its like they are everything you ever wanted. Its like you search, maybe not even search. Maybe not even wait but somewhere along the line someone comes and everything around you seems like its perfect cause he is with you. I remember the days sitting on the side of the school with Rajiv and going to the park. All the phone calls. When he use to call me every morning. I just miss it to much.

Weed gets ya high, effects the brain, heart and lungs. But coke kills. Cokes changes you. It effects people in many different ways. Some people get really hyper, some get agresstive, some get slower. There are so many ways but in Rajiv case he become abustive. I never told anyone this, but he use to abuse me to, not just emotionaly. If he didnt get what he wanted he use to push me, slap me, punch me, pitch me, strach me, and force me to do what ever he wanted. But then he would give me the sweet talk afterwords and I got over it. He abused me for like 4 months out of 6. This is my first time ever talking about it to anyone, not even to Ruben or Sharon. Sharon seen him slap me across the face because I didnt feel like getting up and giving him his lighter. Its hurts bad now still. I still wish that I should of left him before. He would slap me across the face. Push me into walls, floor or off the bed. Punch me in my stomach or back. Pitch me on my vagina [i still have marks from that]. Force me to give him stuff, by him stuff or have oral sex. And when he would do these things and I would scream and cry for him to stop he would laugh. I sometimes wish that Anthony would of never told me about Rajiv at all.